some jokes to share :DD

3 Dead Guys and a devil

Three guys were killed instantly in seperate accidents. At the gates to Heaven, they meet the Devil.

The Devil said, "Ask me any question. If I can't answer it, you go to Heaven. If not, to Hell you go!"

The first guy is a Mathematician who presented a very complicated mathematical question. In half a heartbeat, the Devil got the answer, "And to Hell you go!" The Mathematician went to hell.

The second guy is a Scholar, "Tell me of the latest teachings of Socrates." The Devil gave a full hour lecture on the teachings and the Scholar dejectedly admitted defeat. "To Hell ya go!" said the Devil and the Scholar indeed was sent to hell.

The last is a Taxi Driver, "Give me a stool and a drill." The Devil give him what he asked. The Taxi Driver drilled seven holes and let off a fart, "Which hole did I just farted though?"

The Devil thought hard and pointed to the middle hole. The Taxi Driver said, "WRONG! IT'S FROM MY A$$H*LE!"

And so, the Taxi Driver went to Heaven!

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

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A kid dreamt of being an electric fan, so every day hekept blowing wif his mouth.
One day, his mother was frustrated over her son's ridiculous behaviour and scolded him, "u keep blwoing everyday, dun b stupid la, do sth proper." and gav him a hit on his head. After e kid got whacked he continued to blow and started ocsillating

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Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.


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Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?

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Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

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Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

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Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

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Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

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Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

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Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take
This train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.


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Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and
The game went into extra time.


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Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.


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A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
Commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have
A scotch and soda."

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Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in
Two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

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An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

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Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.

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1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.

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Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.


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Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
Field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

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Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

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Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, Shouting,

"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."


The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
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